THE HIDDEN COST OF HELPING TOO MUCH “No More Little Licks of Milk”
Sometimes helping feels loving—but it may actually hold others back. When we shield people from the consequences of their actions, we’re often enabling them, not supporting real growth.
What Is Enabling?
Enabling means stepping in to prevent someone from experiencing the outcomes of their choices—like constantly rescuing a child who forgets their homework. This prevents learning, accountability, and personal development.
A mother I worked with repeatedly drove her son back to school to get his forgotten backpack. He never learned to remember it—until she stopped rescuing him. Once he faced the consequence, the behavior changed.
Why Enabling Hurts
When we enable, we:
- Block growth and learning
- Foster dependence
- Reinforce negative patterns
The Relationship Dance
Relationships form patterns—dances we repeat without thinking. When one person changes, it disrupts the rhythm. The other may resist but staying consistent rewrites the pattern. As Norman Doidge describes in The Brain That Changes Itself, our brains can rewire through new behaviors, thanks to neuroplasticity.
“No More Little Licks of Milk”
Imagine feeding a stray cat a few drops of milk—just enough to keep it alive. It keeps coming back, but never thrives. Enabling is like that: small comforts that maintain dysfunction, without promoting real change. True growth begins when we stop those “little lick” gestures and let others seek their own nourishment.
How to Help Without Enabling
- Set Boundaries – Know your limits
- Allow Consequences – Don’t shield them from reality
- Promote Problem-Solving – Ask, “What do you think you should do?”
- Support Independence – Celebrate self-reliance
Bottom Line
Helping isn’t always helpful. When we stop rescuing and start supporting responsibility, we empower others to grow—and free ourselves from patterns that no longer serve.
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With Gratitude,
Rus Devorah
Selected Bibliography
- Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science. Viking.
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
- Beattie, M. (2020). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing.
- Van Dijk, S. (2018). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for PTSD: Practical Exercises for Overcoming Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. New Harbinger.
